New Media Criminals,

Today’s soundtrack: Pretenders, “Pretenders”

It’s the debut album from one of the best bands of the ‘80’s…and not in the “Cool, I remember this song” type of way, but in the “Jesus, I forgot how amazing these guys were” type of way. If you don’t have their first two albums you need to get them immediately, classics both. “Up The Neck” from the first album almost made closing song this week- for reasons you’ll realize after you listen- but a song that captured the prevailing sentiment of the entire episode edged it. And yes, I realize nobody cares about the music but me, thanks for bringing it up.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” just now coming down from the Phillies amazing win Tuesday night, and also refusing to acknowledge the collapse of Wednesday. This week deals with awkwardness of both the teenage and adult varieties, as well as why it’s important to make a checklist before you go to the airport. You’d hate to forget anything…or remember the wrong thing.

Episodes streaming at mikeschmidtcomedy.com and myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. iTunes provides a subscription service that rocks, and Zuners can join in the fun by going here: http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml. Zuners, I’m taking the week off from kicking you in the balls, so thank me later and enjoy your Labor Day,

Don’t forget that comedyfilmnerds.com is coming to life Friday, September 5th at the UCB Theater in L.A.; Maria Bamford, Chris Hardwick, Jackie Kashian, Graham Elwood, Chris Mancini and myself, all struggling to be heard over gales of laughter from appreciative fans. Be one of them, won’t you?

Mike
8/27/08

Vice-Presidential Nominees,

Today’s soundtrack: Girl Talk, “Feed The Animals”

As some of you know, I’m a mashup freak, so today we listen to the newest release from the genius that brought us “Night Ripper”. Too much going on musically to attempt to do justice to with words, so just go ahead and download the whole kit and caboodle for yourself. It’s a name-your-price deal; I recommend $100.00, but that’s only because I’m a big fan, not because I get a cut of the profits or anything. Hell, I’m such a fan I wouldn’t agree to a cut of the profits, not even if Gregg Gillis himself contacted me with such an offer. Why, he could contact me via mike@mikeschmidtcomedy.com right now and I’d turn him down flat, no matter how many times he offered to give me half the profits from all of his albums. I’m in it to support artists, Gregg, so keep your money…and don’t even think about sending me any cash via PayPal, either. I’m on to you, buddy.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now trying to figure out why people are actually falling for the “hey, this guy’s too smart to run our country” thing. This week we have breakfast…well, we try to have breakfast. Seems some people aren’t too keen on the idea. The dangers of being nocturnal are also explored, and we pretty much seal the deal on anybody who hears this show ever giving me a job. The show is constantly streaming here on the site or over at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. ITunes offers a nifty subscription service wherein the newest episode is delivered to you every week; send your dog to fetch it with your slippers. Hey Zune, don’t be afraid-you were made to go out and get this episode. Go here…

http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml

And any time you feel the pain, hey Zune, refrain…from buying another Zune. And yes, I am running out of ways to insult the Zune. Na na na nananana…

Comedyfilmnerds.com beckons; live show September 5, info to follow.

Mike
8/20/08

Remote Lickers,

Today’s soundtrack: Motley Crue, “Saints Of Los Angeles”

I know, I know, Motley Crue are a bunch of meatheads slinging musical hash straight out of the ‘80’s. I agree, and will follow up by saying that this album is their best since their debut in 1981. I’m not even a big Crue guy- I actually got this album for my birthday, then avoided listening to it so I didn’t have to tell my buddy Pat how much I didn’t like it- but I finally caved in and now I can’t stop listening to it. The album is a look back at their careers, each song covering a part of their history, and the mistakes that they’ve made. As an old man, I found it conveys a real sense of longing for the old days that I can relate to, a band camaraderie that can’t be broken even though two of the guys hate each other’s guts. That combined with evil in-your-face guitar, huge drums and great hooks make for an album I’m happy I have, and a concert I’ll now definitely have to see. Let’s just hope they don’t play the Forum; the risk of getting Hep. C is high enough at a Crue show without turning the building against me as well.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now wondering how four numbskull junkies have made tens of millions of dollars while a smart guy like him is doing a free show out of a kitchen. If you read Motley Crue’s book “The Dirt” you know their tales of debauchery were legendary, and virtually unmatched in their vileness…unmatched until now, that is. This week’s episode delves into late-night viewing habits, the Holocaust, and why you ladies should realize “hold up” means “hold up.” The episode is always streaming, either here on the site or at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. Zune owners need to go here: http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml. By the way Zuners, be careful; rumor has it the Zune is set to self-destruct on Halloween night. John Carpenter will fill you in if you give him a call.

My review of “Tropic Thunder” will be up at comedyfilmnerds.com sometime this weekend; go there and keep hitting refresh. My brilliance is well worth the wait.

Mike
8/13/08

Fightin’ Phils,

Today’s soundtrack: D’Angelo, “Voodoo”

Heard this week that D’Angelo is actually in the studio so I thought I’d revisit a classic. Weird story, that guy; looked like he was gonna blow up, then wound up hitting the pipe and freaking out at gas stations. Well, not that weird for a soul singer, I guess; in that business you’re always a pot of grits or a crackshot dad away from being a legend.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now in the on-deck circle, waiting for you to bunt the man over so he can go walk-off on these guys. This week we delve into my real career, exploring the reasons why talking into a headset is very different from talking to a live audience. You’ll also hear about The Whitest Concerts You Know, and why my wife is not to be trusted around strangers.

Episodes are always streaming, either here on the site or over at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. You can subscribe 24 hours a day at iTunes, and you can get the show for your Zune 24 hours a day at http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml. As a bonus, Zune users can also spend 24 hours a day debating whether to sell their Zune at a garage sale, drop it in a sewer, or just toss it into the flatbed of a passing pickup. Either way you come out ahead.

Don’t forget to visit comedyfilmnerds.com, as I should have something new up this week. I know, I know, you’re giddy with excitement.

Mike
8/6/08

Guess Hitters,

Today’s soundtrack: Slayer, “Reign In Blood”

Up late writing this so I needed something to climb into my head and punch me in the brain, assuring that I’d stay alert for the long night ahead. Slayer always does the trick; say, remind me to tell you the story about meeting Kerry King at the L.A. Sports Arena, laughing with him about the security company I worked for and their “no moshing” policy. Let’s just say it didn’t hold…and neither did the chairs on the main floor. Zip ties do not a strong deterrent make.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” podcast now available for all you curious adventurers out there; this week we discuss natural disasters of all types, both ecological and man-made. We hear about rooftop adventures and lobby sulking, all on the same property. Most importantly we learn the best way to approach Ice Cube, particularly if you’re a fat white guy. You don’t want to piss that guy off; after all, when he’s got a sawed-off, bodies are hauled off.

The show is always streaming here on the site or at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. Subscribing in iTunes will gain you access to heaven, if you believe in that sort of thing. If you don’t, you should know that subscribing will get you five dollars under your pillow. If you don’t believe in that, then please know that subscribing will keep the Chupacabra away. If I still haven’t touched your belief system, then don’t subscribe, see if I care; the Chupacabra’ll soon eat you anyway.

Zune owners should go here: http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml, then make sure they carry their Zune everywhere they go. If you ever come upon the Chupacabra, he’ll get one look at that hunk of useless and pass out laughing. Even mythical creatures recognize folly when they see it.

I remind you that comedyfilmnerds.com exists for you to visit and enjoy; if you’ve been sitting around waiting for people you’ve never met to tell you what they think of “Baghead”, well, your prayers have been answered.

Mike
7/31/08

Comedy Phenoms,

Today’s soundtrack: Led Zeppelin, “IV”

“When it comes to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of “Led Zeppelin IV”.”

Wise words from Mike Damone, who may have been a little prick, but at least he tried his damndest to get Rat laid. Of course, he wound up banging the girl of Rat’s dreams and then refused to pay for her abortion…two reasons why he was a little prick. I’m sure there’s a third, but you’ll have to ask Stacy what it is; she’s the one spray-painting it all over town. By the way, after Damone gives Rat the very solid Zeppelin advice, in the very next scene Rat can be seen blaring “Kashmir” on his first date with Stacy. From this, we can take one of two things…

1. Rat doesn’t know the difference between Zeppelin “IV” and “Physical Graffiti”.
2. Rat doesn’t care about making out, and just wants to rock.

Knowing Rat as we do I’m guessing it’s #1, but you draw your own conclusions. Now, let’s get the bustle out of our hedgerow and deal with the business at hand: Episode 18 of “The 40 Year Old Boy” podcast is now down by the seaside, waiting to be trampled underfoot. Yes, I said Episode 18; our little man is now old enough to vote. Look for him in your local polling place this November; he’ll be the guy peeking over your shoulder, trying to get a feel for which way you’re leaning on that important zoning issue.

This week’s show deals with fake Jokers, awful parents and the perils of making one snap. You can find the show streaming here on the site or at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. If you subscribe in iTunes you can take the show on the road with you, and it’s like having your very own Mike Schmidt with you at all times. If you’re a Zune owner, go here: http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml. Zuners can also take the show on the road, but no matter how far you go you’ll never be able to outrun the fact that you bought a Zune. That’s gonna stay with you like that ankle tattoo you’ve regretted since day one; wow, the Chinese character for “strength”, good choice.

Kite on over to comedyfilmnerds.com for all of your movie-type needs. Not tickets or anything, just rock-solid funny about the films in theaters today. C’mon, Graham Elwood? Allan Havey? Jackie Kashian? Laura House? Hell, why are you still reading this? I hired a monkey to type these last two paragraphs just so I could head over there and laugh myself. Bananas bananas bananas bananas bananas bananas bananas bananas bananas…

Mike
7/23/08

Fans Of Washington,

Today’s soundtrack: “Velvet Goldmine” Film Soundtrack

Well, this being “Dark Knight” week and all, I thought I’d offer a soundtrack from my other favorite Christian Bale movie. Karen and I rented it, and we had two diverse reactions: I couldn’t get over how much I loved it, and Karen couldn’t get over how gay that made me. I tried to explain that liking a movie didn’t make me gay, no matter how gay the content, and I assured her that the only guys in the cast I’d sleep with were Ewan McGregor and Eddie Izzard. That calmed her down…I think. We don’t talk much anymore.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” podcast now adding a pinch of salt to its delicious homemade chicken noodle soup. This week we hear about Pete Townshend’s anger problems, as well as the tragedy of a lost love. You can find the show streaming here on the site, or over at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. If you have an iPod, congratulations! You can subscribe to the show in iTunes. If you have a Zune, congratulations! You’re not a follower; you’re a purchaser of inferior equipment. The good news is you can still get the show; just visit http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml and wish real hard…oh, and push some buttons or something. These things aren’t magic y’know.

New column up at comedyfilmnerds.com as well; not yet of course, but hopefully sometime Thursday. Just waiting for the editors to give it the once-over, or the twice over, or the thrice over. It’s about “The Dark Knight”, so you’ll want to print it out and give it to all of the people you see at the theater. God knows they need to take a break from texting everyone they’ve ever met.

Mike
7/17/08

Inglorious Bastards,

Today’s soundtrack: The Ting Tings, “We Started Nothing”

Yes, I was seduced by an iPod commercial, but I have to say that the Ting Tings album is pretty good. I’m a sucker for three-minute pop stuff, and adding in catchy hooks and a female singer is a sure way to remove money from my wallet. Oh, and don’t forget the drums…the drums…the drums…

Newest episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” podcast now available all over this great land of ours, but I would suggest you look for it at one of these finer establishments: here on the website, myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy or iTunes. Still anchored down by your impossibly ridiculous Zune? Go here for a brief respite from your woes: http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml. This week we deal with the cops, the deaf, and awkward celebrity encounters. We also try to deal with the length of the show, as things were getting a little out of hand the last few weeks. We made some headway, but there’s obviously still room for improvement in this area. I want you to know that the board members at 40 Year Old Boy Inc. have taken the matter under advisement. Let’s hope there’s no downsizing involved.

If you’re not busy this Monday, July 14th, why not come out and see me host the “Monday Night Tease” burlesque extravaganza? It’s at the 3 Clubs nightclub, 1123 North Vine in Hollywood. The show will probably sell out, but you can go to Burlesque411.com for more info. Come watch me be completely ignored by people who are only in the building to see naked ladies…and rightfully so. Hell, I’ll probably be ignoring myself all night.

Don’t forget to check out Comedyfilmnerds.com for all you summer movie-related needs. I’ll have a new column up this week, and I’m guessing it will be about that Dark Knight fella. People can’t seem to quit talking about him these days.

Mike
7/11/08

Cartman Aficionados,

Today’s soundtrack: Pearl Jam, “Pearl Jam”

Ahh, the self-titled album from America’s best rock band; I’m not sure which song is more relevant for me these days, “Life Wasted” or “Unemployable”. Oh for the days when Pearl Jam was singing to me, not about me. Damn you, Vedder!

The new episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” is floating through the Phantom Zone, just waiting to be released so it can join General Zod on a campaign of destruction. While my temper seems to come up now and then on the show, this week we deal with the times when I was paid for it. Some of what you hear may shock you, but if it does you really haven’t been paying attention…and Christ, at an hour and twenty minutes, I can’t blame you for not paying attention. Don’t worry, I’m on it.

As always the show is available here at mikeschmidtcomedy.com, myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy, or over on the iTunes for you subscribin’ types. Zune users can visit http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml, a magical destination where your Zune won’t suck so much. No need to thank me, I’m happy to help.

In addition to podcast nonsense, two other Mike Schmidt happenings: head on over to comedyfilmnerds.com for my review of “Hancock”. I don’t want to spoil it, but get this-I have an opinion about the film; go find out what it is this instant. If you crave the living, breathing version of your pal Mike, I’ll be appearing at the See You Next Tuesday show this Tuesday, July 8th at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles. Not to drop names or anything, but the lineup features one Mr. Judd Apatow, perhaps better known by his most recent nickname, “Mr. Judd Apatow King of Money and Movies and Comedy You Know The Guy Who Made “Knocked Up” Yeah That Guy He’s Doing Standup Weird Isn’t It You’d Think He’d Be Busier These Days”.

I always thought nicknames were supposed to be shorter.

Mike
7/3/08

Virtual Home Run Hitters,

Today’s soundtrack: Electric Six, “Fire”

Let’s start a war. Start a nuclear war…at the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar. Now, is that sentiment homophobia or ridiculousness? Only Electric Six knows for sure, and they aren’t talkin’. Well, maybe they are talkin’, I haven’t tried to contact them or anything. However, from the lyrics of that song, I’ll know where to find them.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now in the cage, ready to obey your commands at all times and come out fighting. This week is particularly ADD-eriffic, as I bolt from topic to topic faster than people fleeing a theater showing “The Love Guru.” Seriously, how soon after the initial box-office figures came in do you think Mike Myers muttered to no one in particular “Scottish accent…should have used a Scottish accent, dammit”?

As always, the episode is available for consumption right here on the site, at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy, or you can get it on iTunes…or as I like to call it, God’s Music Store. People saddled with a Zune can go to http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml, where my unsuspecting episode lies quietly, waiting to be tricked into slumming it in said Zune. Why must you make my episodes suffer?

Don’t forget to head over to comedyfilmnerds.com as well, as I’ll have a new review up sometime this weekend. I can’t say what film it will be, but I will say that whatever it is, it will definitely be better than “The Love Guru.” And yes, that film deserved a second punch in the balls in this Communiqué, if only for the “smuggling a schnauzer” line.

Mike
6/26/08