Ridiculous Rumors,

Today’s soundtrack: Foo Fighters, “In Your Honor��?

Let’s tear it up with the purveyors of one of the best concerts I saw this year. A great show top to bottom, enhanced at the end by the appearance of one Stewart Copeland on drums for the Police classic “Next To You��?. The show was so good I almost forgot about slipping on the stairs of The Forum while carrying concessions to my seat, bringing back a flood of “Ha ha, look at fatty fall! Saved his food though, didn’t he?” memories that I’m assuming I’ll always have. I’m never going to be able to fight all of this out of me, am I?

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy” now making a list and checking it twice. This week we skim the surface of marriage while delving deep into the hidden messages in Disney films. Episodes are always streaming here on the site as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy.com. Links to subscribe to the show are available; just click on “The 40 Year Old Boy” at the top of this page, then get ready to see the best picture I’ve taken in years. Man I look good…right? Don’t I look good? Be nice, it’s Christmas.

Forgot to mention on the show this week that I’m featured on the latest episode of the “Battleship Pretension” podcast, which can be found in iTunes. Brace yourself as I hog the conversation the entire time, although we talked for almost ninety minutes and the episode posted on iTunes only runs forty-eight. Hmmm…maybe I’ve been edited out. Go find out for yourself.

Don’t forget about comedyfilmnerds.com, the Internet’s best website that allows me to write for them. Well, except for this one, of course.

Mike
12/17/08

Power Hungry Embarrassments,

Today’s soundtrack: Nine Inch Nails, “The Downward Spiral�

Trent Reznor fuels the morning; many a drive was spent rewinding this cassette, listening to “A Warm Place� and dreaming of the day when thousands of people would spend week in and week out hanging on my every word. Not sure if you’re hanging, but you’re at least paying attention, which makes all of those drives worth it. Not that I was working the road solely to gain experience for broadcasting out of a kitchen, but it definitely helped.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy� now thinking up slogans for fried bologna…

Fried Bologna: Not Just For Fat People! Seriously!

Fried Bologna: Health Is For Pussies!

Fried Bologna: Who Needs Pants That Fit? (Brought To You By The NAASP: The National Association For The Advancement Of Sweat Pants)

Fried Bologna: Tastes Like You Just Blew God!

Probably should have quit on the sweat pants line. This week we get scolded for being late and finally throw some actual punches. Episodes are always streaming here on the site as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. Subscription links are available on this site’s podcast page, located conveniently at…c’mon, you don’t expect me to do everything, do you? Hell, typing this is enough of a chore; there are over two hundred words here for Christ’s sake.

If hearing and reading me just isn’t enough, come on out to the Muppet Burlesque Extravaganza this Monday, December 15th at The Three Clubs in Hollywood. Tickets and info available at burlesque411.com…that is, if you can stop staring at naked flesh long enough to find them. I know I couldn’t. Don’t forget to visit comedyfilmnerds.com as well; not as much naked flesh, but certainly just as entertaining.

Mike
12/10/08

Puppy Lovers,

Today’s soundtrack: “Almost Famous�

Cameron Crowe…what to do, what to do. Having sat through “Elizabethtown�, you’d think I’d want to punch him in that wavy-haired head of his, but you’d be wrong. “Almost Famous� buys the man all the good will he needs to avoid my wrath for eternity. When Karen and I saw that movie I walked out of the theater and told her that any time I bitch about this town, my life, anything – just remind me how I felt at that moment, walking out of the theater. Love the director’s cut, love the soundtrack; Tivo’ed it the other day just to see if I still feel the same way.

Yep.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy� now empty and aching and I don’t know why. This week we talk about getting the mount, and why you really don’t want any part of my half-court game. Episodes are always streaming here on the site and at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy.com. Whether ye be Zune user or iPod partaker, subscription links are also available; head over to mikeschmidtcomedy.com/podcast.asp for easy, one-click shopping. I promise nobody will get trampled.

Check me out on Jackie Kashian’s “Dork Forest� podcast this week; go to dorkforest.com for all the details. Those of you in SoCal can check me out at Comedy Death Ray’s annual Halftime Comedy show this Tuesday, December 9th. Come join Joe Wagner, Howard Kremer, “The Coach� Eddie Pepitone and me - along with a ton of other fabulous comedians - for what will no doubt be the night of your life. That’s assuming, of course, that you have the kind of life that would be improved by seeing me live. If that’s the case, God help you. Ucbtheater.com has all the details.

Comedyfilmnerds.com is still throwing bombs; go see which reviewer punishes “The Punisher�. And yes, I know I’ve used that in my other posts this week, but I love it too much to let it go.

Mike
12/3/08

Unsuspecting Targets,

Today’s soundtrack: Guns N’ Roses, “Chinese Democracy�

Yes, there are those out there who couldn’t wait to slag this album. Yes, Axl is regarded as certifiably insane. Yes, times have changed, and perhaps some think “this kind of music� has run its course…but with all that said I haven’t stopped listening to this album since I bought it, and don’t see it leaving my CD player/headphones anytime soon. I’ve always identified with Axl; he seems like the same “dude-I’m-about-one-second-away-from-punching-a-fucking-hole-in-your-chest� type of nut that I’ve had the misfortune of turning into on occasion. Axl, however, has at least been able to get it together here and there, resulting in fabulous works of art like this album. I do a free show recorded in a friend’s kitchen. “It’s So Easy�, indeed.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy� now typing this at 5:00 AM Thanksgiving morning, waiting for Switchpod to post the goddamn show so he can steal a few hours of sleep before driving to Vegas. This week we flounder a bit, hoping to hit a stride that I’m not sure ever comes. We discuss Thanksgivings past, and head out for an unsatisfying night on the town. Episodes are always streaming here on the site, as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. Subscription links are available on the site’s podcast page; do a little detective work and you’ll find it…although chances are if you’re reading this you already subscribe. In fact, not only do you subscribe, but you love it and can’t stop telling everyone you know about not only the show, but all things Mike Schmidt. I’m forever in your debt, and will remember your name when the End Times arrive; the line to a better place starts behind me.

That last sentence pings a little disingenuous, and with good reason: it was disingenuous. You deserve better, so hear goes…

I want to tell all of you how much I appreciate your continued support of the show; I get new people contacting me all the time saying they were referred by someone who has been listening since “Never Not Funny�. Add in the people finding me out of the blue, either through iTunes or my other podcast appearances, and the number of people listening increases every week. While this doesn’t come as a surprise, seeing as the show – and by association, me – are fucking great, it does provide one very important function: it makes me want to keep doing the show. Those of you familiar with my particular pathology know that motivating myself to do anything is the single most difficult obstacle in my life. I have no excuses, no explanation; my sloth knows no bounds, no depths…wait, I hope it knows depths. I’d hate to think I could become even more paralyzingly apathetic. How much more responsibility could I possibly shirk? Who wants to finish typing this for me? Anybody know a good food chewer out there?

I always use the phrase, “I know what I have to do, I just have to do it.� And then I refuse to do it…I can’t explain it. It feels like I’m frozen, inside and out. I’m not sure I’ve ever moved forward in my life. I’m also not sure what typing this out does for anybody…you know what, blame Switchpod. If they would upload the episodes faster I’d have a lot less time for introspection.

It took Axl 15 years to release “Chinese Democracy�, 15 years of being told he was crazy, a fuck-up incapable of delivering on expectations. He was ridiculed, laughed at, dismissed as irrelevant, mocked by those who had once been closest to him. Snarky cocksuckers did everything they could to marginalize him as a relic who could never be as great as he once was. I don’t know Axl, but I like to think he’d say that he wasn’t interested in being who people thought he was.

He wanted to show people who he’s become.

Mike
11/26/08

Prescient Yet Ridiculed Forecasters,

Today’s soundtrack: Kiss, “Rock And Roll Over�

Yeah, it’s time for the Knights In Satan’s Service. Having seen “Role Models� twice this week I feel it necessary to follow Cheap Trick’s lead and get my Kiss records out, if only to hear Paul Stanley sing “’cause ya ain’t enough lady to keep the Master satisfied.� It’s amazing: these guys wrote music for eleven-year-olds, yet every song was about fucking. A neat trick to pull off, and one that made sure they themselves could live like eleven-year-olds for the rest of their lives. Goddamn I wish I were Kiss.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boyâ€? now wondering, “what’s with the Friday posting bullshit?â€? This week tears the scab off of old wounds and gives you a reason to boil your mail. Episodes are always available here on the site and at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. iPod and Zune users can now subscribe right here on the site; go to the podcast page for fast and easy linkage. No more cutting and pasting for you folks. You…you’ve earned it.

A couple more things to bring to your attention; first, don’t forget to visit comedyfilmnerds.com, as the site just keeps getting more popular. Go now so you can tell everyone you were there in the beginning. Second, come see me, Jackie Kashian and Chris Mancini from comedyfilmnerds as we do the “Comics On Comics� show this Wednesday, Nov. 19. All the information you need is available at comicsoncomics.com; come out and watch us all try to out-dork one another. My money’s on Jackie in a walk.

Mike
11/14/08

Rushers To Judgment,

Today’s soundtrack: Steely Dan, “Citizen Steely Dan�

It’s amazing to me how well Steely Dan holds up. Oh, it’s definitely of its time, yet still seems to sound as if it was recorded yesterday. “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number� is one of the ten best songs ever recorded…but don’t just take my word for it. Here’s former Pittsburgh Pirate great Willie “Pops� Stargell’s take on all things Steely:

Unfortunately Willie passed away in April of 2001, so he’s unavailable for comment. I can only speculate how happy he was to have made it that far, living to see the Dan win four Grammy Awards in February of that year for their first studio album in twenty years, “Two Against Nature.� I dare say seeing that win rivaled any of his own triumphs, leading him to consider himself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Take that Lou Gehrig!

Yes, this entry is late, but the episode was not: new episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy� now holding himself back from typing what he really wanted to talk about. This week we deal with the election, angry mothers and why breakfast south of the border is a dicey proposition. Let’s be honest: ANYTHING south of the border is a dicey proposition. Breakfast just happens to be the thing we single out this week. Episodes are always available here on the site, as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. For those of you looking to subscribe, head over to “The 40 Year Old Boy� page for new easy subscription links. One click of the mouse and just like that, my insanity is yours.

Keep visiting comedyfilmnerds.com, as I’ve just been informed they still want me to contribute; close call that was. Those who want to see me live can come to the Monday Night Tease burlesque extravaganza this Monday, November 10; head on over to mondaynighttease.com for all of the particulars.

I’ve also been asked by more than a few of you why some of the episodes have disappeared from iTunes. While I appreciate the new listeners I get every week, storage costs for keeping all of the episodes on the website were prohibitive, particularly with the current ban on hiring Mike Schmidt flourishing in Hollywood. I also hope to release a compilation, and felt that taking the episodes down would allow that idea to remain viable, at least in my addled brain. The world loves its free content, but my Wachovian and Capital One overlords tend to frown on the “No, really, downloads are increasing every week!� speech while moths fly out of my wallet.

Mike
11/5/08

Poll Watchers,

Today’s soundtrack: Harry Kalas & Chris Wheeler, “Phillies Win World Series�

As important as it is for me to shove my music choices down your throat, I’m setting my ego aside this week to bring you one of the best play-by-play voices of our generation as he gives voice to one of the happiest moments of my life. I don’t have kids, but I have my beautiful wife and a deep, passionate love of sports, particularly baseball. I also have all of you, and I thank you for tolerating me losing my mind over the Phillies the last few weeks. I appreciate your indulgence, and hope that mixing in the occasional glory hole story was enough to keep you entertained and sticking around. If not, the Phillies still won The World Series, and I’ll take solace in that.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy� now voting early, voting often. This week we have more of the aforementioned Phillies nonsense, as well as two minutes that I’m sure some people are not going to be happy about. Episodes are always streaming here on the site, as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy.com. iPod users can subscribe in iTunes; go to iTunes and search either my name or “The 40 Year Old Boy�, hit “subscribe� and you’re in. Zuners, should head over to this link:

http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml

Comedyfilmnerds.com is also still fooling everybody; go check out what I had to say about Halloween. Oh, it’s not up yet, but it will be…hopefully before Halloween. I’m kind of behind.

Mike
10/29/08

For Those About To Rock,

Today’s Soundtrack: Queens Of The Stone Age, “Songs For The Deaf�

We choose today’s soundtrack for two reasons: because it’s an audio haymaker, and because of this video. “I’m never too drunk to fight.� Gorgeous. Saw Josh Homme do an acoustic set with Jesse Hughes from Eagles Of Death Metal; nobody threw anything, but the place was laid to waste by rock just the same.

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy� now waiting patiently for the parade down Broad Street. This week we learn about friends I’ve made on my many travels, and why you can’t trust Miss America’s Dairyland. As always, episodes are streaming here on the site, as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. You can subscribe in iTunes, or use this link to fill your Zune with happiness:

http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml

Comedyfilmnerds.com is still challenging all you know and love about the silver screen. I’ll have a piece up soon about Halloween, and why trick-or-treating is still Public Enemy #1 of the movie business. Theaters have candy too, you know.

Mike
10/22/08

National League Champions,

Today’s soundtrack: Holland, “Little Monsters�

Oh, Michael Batio. Before you changed your name to Michael Angelo and decided to shred ambidextrously, there was this album, an album I played so much I had to purchase it THREE times on cassette. Remember cassettes? How they’d get all stretchy and weird if you played them too much? No? I’m old, my friends, and I know I’m old because I’m using the phrase “my friends.� John McCain and I would like the Obamas to get off of America’s lawn anytime now. How is that man losing? What part of “A Hard Candy In Every Pocket� do you people not understand?

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy� in Vegas this week, raging nightly against the apathy. This week deals with motion sickness and public embarrassments, both of which can leave you hanging your head. Episodes are always streaming here on the site, as well as at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy.com. iPod users can subscribe in iTunes; now, normally I’d provide a link to iTunes here, but I’m on the road and forgot the link at home. Just go to iTunes and search my name, or “The 40 Year Old Boy�. Then hit subscribe and you’re in. Zuners, you’re in luck…and that’s no doubt the first time you’ve ever heard that phrase. Anyway, here’s the link for you:

http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml

I let the link stand alone as a monument to the Zune user: Rebel, Maverick, Frequent Caller Of Customer Service.

If hearing my disembodied voice isn’t enough for you this week, come see me host the Monday Night Tease at the 3 Clubs in Hollywood Monday night, October 20th. All the information is available at mondaynighttease.com; come for the Mike, stay for the naked Lili…oh, who am I kidding? Come for the naked Lili, stay for the naked Lili.

Comedyfilmnerds.com also exists; go read the words I typed.

Mike
10/15/08

Atom-Bomb Bikinis,

Today’s soundtrack: Elliot Yamin, “Elliot Yamin�

Yes, that Elliot Yamin; c’mon, we all know the best artist never wins on that show. This album is awesome; in a related note, I discovered this week that I love a Jonas Brothers song as well. So, should I go the birthday clown route, or should I skip it and just immediately park my van by a schoolyard?

New episode of “The 40 Year Old Boy� now in the yard with a camera, waiting patiently for Kimbo Slice to show up. This week we gamble on condiments and put our faith in the charity of others. Episodes of the show are always streaming here on the site or over at myspace.com/mikeschmidtcomedy. If you have an iPod, subscribing in iTunes is your best bet. If you have a Zune, http://www.switchpod.com/users/mikeschmidt/feed.xml is the place to go to fill its belly with over an hour of antics and shenanigans. Unfortunately hijinks are not included, as they aren’t yet Microsoft compatible. Maybe when Mojave comes out.

New column up right now at comedyfilmnerds.com; I turned in a second piece as well, which I’m sure they’ll post as soon as they recover from the shock/stop weeping from joy. Look for it this weekend, as I’m sure you won’t be able to enjoy your Sabbath without reading my homilies and bon mots.

Mike
10/8/08